


tell me how to feel about you now

by icarusfallen



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018) Season 5 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24227392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusfallen/pseuds/icarusfallen
Summary: Catra hasn’t known a good night of sleep in years.Naively, she had believed going back to sharing a bed with Adora might’ve changed that but perhaps there are wounds too deep for even She-Ra to fix them.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 499





	tell me how to feel about you now

**Author's Note:**

> there's no actual plot here *jazz hands* just exactly what the tags are saying; hurt/comfort and fluff. 
> 
> this is obviously set after the last episode of s5 so if you haven't watched that.... perhaps turn around? 
> 
> (would like to take this moment to say how much i love noelle stevenson and the crew of she-ra for what they've given us, YEAH i've watched the season three times already and i'm still emotional lmao)
> 
> anyway, the title is taken from paramore's tell me how. 
> 
> pls enjoy!

Catra hasn’t known a good night of sleep in years.

Naively, she had believed going back to sharing a bed with Adora might’ve changed that but perhaps there are wounds too deep for even She-Ra to fix them.

She tosses and turns around in bed, somehow managing not to wake Adora up from her own restless sleep, slipping in and out of conscience for long enough that slumber completely leaves her. Catra is stubborn, determined to have at least one day where the circles under her eyes are not as dark, but even she has to give up eventually. When that happens, she throws the covers away from her, taking a deep breath and rubbing her eyes with the back of her hands. Deep down, there’s an urge to let tears run down, exhaustion catching up to her, but Catra refuses to cry. She’s done enough of that already.

Leaving the bed as quietly as she can, Catra settles down by the window, one foot on the ground, the other on the sill, as her gaze rests on the calm water several feet underneath Adora’s-  _ no _ , their room.

Brightmoon is everything Catra expected – fancy, clean,  _ alive _ – and it takes a lot getting used to. It’s been a month since… everything. Since She-Ra saved the universe, since Horde Prime was defeated for good, since her and Adora-

A part of her had expected it to get easy,  _ easier _ , for things to fade away into the now brighter Sun of Etheria, yet by now Catra understands she couldn’t have expected for a decade worth of trauma and  _ years _ of hatred between her and every single occupant of this castle would disappear. She catches the stares sometimes, the ones thrown at her by the  _ guards _ , as well as the inhabitants of Etheria that have been visiting the castle ever since Glimmer took back her throne, her father by her side. There’s doubt, questioning, hard feelings. Some of these people have lost loved ones because of her, had  _ fought _ her and the Horde’s army. Some of them know what she is- was capable of.

Catra wishes she could blame them. That she could leer at them and demand them to stop staring. Sometimes her instinct is to fade back to who she was as a force captain; easy to anger, quick to discipline. It’s all bubbling under her skin, crawling around her brain, the rage, the hatred, the disappointment, the  _ solitude _ . No matter how much effort Adora, Glimmer and Bow put into making her feel welcome, her breath still leaves her, chest tight and hands shaking when she’s reminded of everything she’s seen, everything she’s been through, everything she’s done.

Her eyes fall shut, hands gripping her still short hair. She hasn’t bothered clipping her nails lately and their sharpness is welcome against her scalp, tail wrapping tight around her own waist. Catra’s gotten  _ excellent _ at giving herself reassurance through the years, at not relying on anyone else for that, and she’s still not comfortable enough to ask. She knows it makes Adora frustrated when she slips away rather than towards the other girl, but old habits die hard, just as much as old feelings.

_ Adora _ .

It’s embarrassing how often Catra spends thinking about her. Not that it’s much of a change from the past almost fifteen years of her life, but it’s-  _ different _ .

Catra’s known Adora as a best friend for most of her existence. The memories of the two of them playing around the Fright Zone as kids, Adora indulging Catra on her every reckless decision, often involving pranks that Shadow Weaver would punish only Catra for without acknowledging Adora’s participation. That had never quite mattered for Catra, as much as it had mattered that Adora would be there at the end of the day to hold her hands and help her add sand to Kyle’s food. Catra helped Adora remove her first tooth, Adora had cleaned Catra’s wounds when Catra was getting used to using her tail to help get her around and would fall constantly.

As teenagers, the two of them would spar for the sake of it, getting into dumb discussions that rarely lasted more than half a day and often ended with Catra curling up at the foot of Adora’s bed and Adora reaching down to rub behind her ears. Rinse and repeat. It had been  _ easy _ , as easy as breathing and waking up in the morning, to be Adora’s best friend. Even if her heart had started aching at one point, even if her greedy hands had wanted to reach for more, it had been easy.

Then they were enemies.

And Catra got used to that as well.

To the fire in Adora’s eyes when their gaze met, one that, for a long time, Catra believed harbored all the hatred she directed towards Catra. To the one-track mindedness of her head, focused on nothing but the Princesses’ downfall if only because Adora dared not to make  _ them _ a priority. To the resentment that would crawl through her veins, that would fuel her into continuing even in the moments of doubt, even when stuck with Adora in a place that forced them to relive their own memories. Catra had been  _ so _ convinced that Adora had been a hinderance in her life, that it had been  _ Adora’s _ fault that she hadn’t achieved anything within the Horde, to the point where Catra had forgotten that the only thing she had ever truly wanted was Adora.

Catra learned how to exist as Adora’s enemy.

She doesn’t know how to be Adora’s lover.

Catra’s loved Adora for as long as she’s known what love is, even if it had taken her a while to recognize her feelings as such but Catra doesn’t know how to be someone’s lover, much less  _ Adora’s _ . It’s a challenge to conciliate Adora-the-best-friend and Adora-her-ex-enemy with the Adora she’s in love with. The same person she’s hurt tremendously and who had hurt her back is the one making her heart race every morning. Catra hasn’t managed more than two hours of sleep every night but she still wakes up to Adora’s face on the pillow next to hers, to blue eyes’ that blink slowly awake, to a lazy smile and a whispered  _ good morning _ . And Catra crawls out of bed, away from Adora’s touch, and rushes towards the bathroom, locking herself inside for long enough to get her heart down to a normal speed. When she eventually leaves, Adora is either back to sleep or gone to eat breakfast with Glimmer before the queen gets busy with her queenly duties of getting Etheria back together after everything that’s happened.

She feels like a coward but letting herself enjoy things has never been Catra’s strength. Adora and her spend the entire day together usually, and as much as their friendship is easy to slip back to – to joke, to be playful, to be  _ flirty _ even, in a way they had been for a while -, the lover aspect is missing.

Sure, Catra’s not only never been anyone’s lover but also has never had much of an example for romantic relationships either, yet in Brightmoon those are all around. She catches Glimmer and Bow at times, whispering softly to each other, giggling in a way that leaves very little doubt as to what’s the content of their conversation. There’s also Spinnerella and Netossa, who come around often and inevitably show off the domesticity of their years-long marriage.

_ Love _ is a present fixture in Brightmoon. Platonic love, romantic love, familial love, it’s all over the place, and Catra can see it and feel it but she still struggles with putting herself in the position of someone who’s worthy of loving and being loved. Especially, above all, when it comes to Adora.

“Catra?”

Her name is whispered from the bed, a rustle of sheets and padding feet hitting her ears before Catra can look up. Adora stands there when she eventually does, hands wrapped around herself, pillow crease on her face and squinting eyes. At her sight, Catra’s hands curl into fists, nails digging down into her palms – the only reaction she’s even known to overwhelming emotions is pain.

“Are you okay?” Adora reaches out to touch her, a hand to Catra’s shoulder, and she automatically cringes, moving away from the touch as if startled. Adora recoils, hand going to her own chest, a wounded expression on her face, and turns around to go back to bed.

Catra groans internally.

“Wait,” she calls out, hand shooting forward to grab Adora’s wrist. Catra stops, watches as Adora lets out a heavy breath and turns around. She’s done a good job of schooling her features into a more neutral position yet Catra still catches the hurt in her eyes. “Don’t leave.”

(Those are not words Catra likes to voice out loud, even after everything. She prefers doing it with her actions rather than words but it’s something her and Perfuma have been talking a lot about; that sometimes, words are needed.)

“Stay.”

Adora seems to ponder for a moment, ends up nodding. The younger woman still hesitates before moving, long enough that Catra believes she is indeed going back to sleep. Instead, Adora puts both her hands on Catra’s shoulders, easily pushing her forward so she can take a seat behind her. It’s remarkably easy to let Adora coax her around until she’s settled comfortably, her chest to Catra’s back.

It takes Catra a couple of minutes before she can relax, before she can allow herself to lie back down, head resting on the crook of Adora’s neck. Their hands come to meet at Catra’s front, and her tail moves to wrap around one of Adora’s legs.

Catra can’t help it – she purrs, her contentment too strong for her to feel embarrassed about it. She still blushes when she feels Adora’s lips spreading into a smile, a quick kiss pressed to the back of her head.

“Can’t sleep?” Adora asks, mouth mere centimeters away from Catra’s ear, and that’s enough to send a shiver down her spine. She nods. “Is it- is it  _ him _ ?”

Horde Prime. The memories of when Catra was chipped still making themselves known in her head. Sometimes it  _ is _ him, the things she’d seen when her mind had been connected to his. All the pain, all the violence, all the killing. Sometimes it all muddles up in her brain and they are mixed in with her own memories.

It’s not him, though. Not tonight.

“No,” she whispers. They are keeping their voices low as Melog is soundly asleep at the foot of their bed. “Just… E-everything I’ve done. The years as Force Captain, the portal.” There’s no need for her to elaborate any further, especially not when she feels Adora stiffen behind her.

They haven’t  _ talked _ about it. Not as much as Catra knows they should. There were apologies, and the acknowledgement of each other’s feelings, of knowing how much they had hurt each other, how much  _ Catra _ had hurt not only Adora but the rest of the Alliance and citizens of Etheria. There’s a lot Catra has to apologize for, a lot she has to compensate – but could words even be enough in this case?

How do you make up for three years worth of pain, destruction and jealousy?

“You can’t think too hard about the past-“

“-you have to focus on the future,  _ I know _ ,” Catra doesn’t hesitate to interrupt Adora rolling her eyes. “I’ve gotten that pep talk from Perfuma several times, thank you.”

“But it’s  _ true _ , Catra,” Adora’s tone is insistent, firm. “You can’t go back in time and change the things you’ve done and the choices you’ve made. I- I told you once you have to live with your decisions and you do.”Catra can’t help wincing, remembering their fight as Adora went to close the portal, fix the mess Catra had made. “But that doesn’t mean you’re defined by them. All the ways you’ve helped the Alliance, sacrificing yourself for Glimmer – those choices matter as well.”

“Are they enough, though?” Catra’s gaze shifts down to their hands, to Adora’s fingers tangled with hers. “Do they make me deserving of your forgiveness?”

This is a constant topic of her conversations with Perfuma. The older woman had insisted Catra should’ve gone after someone else, someone who could give a completely unbiased opinion of the situation, but she wasn’t comfortable with spilling her insecurities to a  _ complete _ stranger. Not to mention, Perfuma just has that-  _ vibe _ . She makes you want to trust her; she makes you believe she can help you with just about anything, and she’s excellent at it.

Perfuma insists that Catra is not the one that gets to determine whether she’s entitled to being forgiven or not. It’s the people she’s hurt that do and if they are willing to, why would she question it? Isn’t it better to just take it and be your best self rather than second guess your every action because you’re unsure of your place?

The meditation for anger management is doing wonders – these conversations? They are yet to change Catra’s mind.

“It’s not a matter of you deserving it, Catra, because I’ve  _ already _ forgiven you,” Adora reassures her, tightening her grip around her. “You don’t have to worry about it.”

Catra can’t help her reaction – she detangles herself from Adora’s embrace, shifting on her seat and moving as far from the other girl as possible in the limited space of the windowsill. They are facing each other now and Catra watches as Adora, once again, wraps her arms around herself, her face taken over by surprise at Catra leaving her embrace. It’s almost enough to have her crawling back to Adora.

“But  _ why _ ?” Is what Catra can’t understand. “Is it because you- because of  _ love _ ? Love is not enough, Adora.”

“What if I wanted it to be?” Adora’s voice is low, her eyes fixed on Catra’s. She tightens her grip around herself, hesitance lacing her words. “What if I decided, for myself, that I want love to be enough, at least for now? I know there’s a lot of bad blood between us, Catra, I’m not stupid, but you don’t get to decide what’s enough for me.”

“It’s not going to be enough forever!” Catra ends up raising her voice to the point it echoes around the room and she bites down on her lower lip, eyes meeting Melog’s still asleep figure for a moment before moving back to Adora. “At one point, when- when I screw up or when I do something you don’t like, everything is going to come back and you’re going to decide it’s not worth it,”  _ I’m not worth it _ .

Adora’s brow furrows, her eyes squinted.

“Can’t we cross all these bridges when we get to them?” She sounds… exhausted. “Why does everything have to be a fight with you, Catra? I don’t want to go everyday of my life thinking about the things that have happened, I don’t want to have my feelings questioned or diminished, not by you of all people.” Adora sinks on her seat, eyes drifting away from Catra as she stares down at the same water Catra had been watching before she had woken up. “I want  _ you _ . I love  _ you _ . I want that to be enough as we work through everything else, because I don’t want to live without you again.”

Catra’s shoulders sag, all adrenaline leaving her body with Adora’s voice weakening as she speaks. Perfurma’s words come back to her mind, the reminder that it’s not Catra’s decision whether people forgive her or not. This is one of the many things that are out of her reach, out of her control. It’s terrifying, knowing that important parts of her life are not something she can decide for herself, that they are in other people’s hands. That she’s vulnerable and there’s nothing she can do about it – above all, that neither of those things is a weakness.

She does crawl towards Adora, settling herself down on her lap. Adora just lets her, watching Catra curiously as she rests her hands on her thighs. A faint smile graces her features as Catra adjusts herself on top of her, so her bones won’t hurt Adora, and the younger woman shifts her hands to Catra’s waist.

Catra’s hands cradle Adora’s face gently as she presses their forehead together, eyes slipping shut.

“I’m sorry,” Catra hears Adora’s sharp intake of breath at her words, feels the tightening of her hold. “It’s so hard for me to quieten my mind and to let go, to allow myself to have this.”

“I know,” Adora’s hands drift towards her back and Catra’s tail wraps around one of her arms. “I’m going to need you to trust me. We need to trust each other, ok?”

Catra gives her a loud murmur of assent and Adora answers by grazing her lips against Catra’s cheek; a soft, barely there, kiss that has Catra purring yet again.

“We should go to bed,” Adora whispers against her skin and Catra hums but doesn’t move. “ _ Catra _ .”

The older woman opens her eyes just so she can roll them as she wraps her arms around Adora’s neck. Even though her tone had suggested otherwise, Adora doesn’t look annoyed though – instead, her lips are stretched on her smug smile, the one that still has Catra wanting to shove her face away from hers.

Instead, she leans down, pressing their lips together on a kiss that has Adora letting out a surprised gasp, but one she leans into, nonetheless. It’s a slow affair, as neither of them care to rush, to move faster than they deem necessary. There’s nowhere else for them to be, no one else they’d rather be with, and Catra allows herself to get lost in it as she sinks into Adora’s embrace.

(Later, when they go to bed just as the sun is rising on the horizon, Catra has a thought that sticks with her for a long time;

Maybe she doesn’t know how to be Adora’s lover.

Maybe it’s enough for her to be Adora’s.) 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are welcome, if you enjoyed it! you can also yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/flameoflovc).


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